Over The Hump
We are well into January. It’s grey, cold, and wet. Hamburg has had it’s fair share of rain and unfortunately the temps have stayed just high enough where it is all mud and no snow. It is not my favorite time of year here but luckily it is short lived. I will be dragging the kids around, snapping pictures of color popping up out of the ground before we know it.
I don’t hate this time of year entirely though. It is like the end of a roller coaster, when you are slowing down, mentally getting ready to unwedge yourself from the coaster vehicle, and not quite sure what you are doing next but you know it will be good. And you are slightly nauseous.
What Just Happened?
The 30 day period that starts on December 29th is a busy one for me.
- I have a birthday
- New Years
- This blog’s anniversary (Happy 4th!)
- The anniversary of our move to Germany
That is a helluva lot of reflection. I have been real busy spending the last few weeks analyzing everything. Everything I did. Everything I didn’t do (a much longer list). Every success, every failure. Everything I would like to improve on, and everything I would like to be.
It is a lot and I am ready to shake myself out of it to move on. To be honest, I am not real satisfied with 2019 Copper. It was not my best work. No lie, I had a great time. There were some amazing fireworks, figuratively and literally. However, I can’t help but look back and say “I could have done much better if…”
I Had Just Tried
There it is. The truth. I didn’t really put my back into it. And I think I lie to myself quite often about that. I have even done it already in this article. My failures. But I am not sure I had any. I can not say with complete honesty that I tried. And if you don’t try, how can you fail? Failing is absolutely acceptable but not trying is a life wasted. I tell the kids that all the time and I need to start holding myself to that.
It is so much easier to tell myself that “I failed” than to admit that I never even bothered to get started. Maybe it is different for others but that is my story. I find myself telling it all the time. I want to be a better mom but do I even try to listen before I yell? I want to be healthier but y’all, I can’t even be bothered with the stairs in our building. I want to be enriched but I don’t even try to put my phone down. I want to create but I spend more time wondering why I don’t find success (keep in mind, I don’t even know what my idea of success means) than I spend actually creating.
Wisdom From A Dark Train Platform
Coming home from book club the other night, my new friend and I sat in the cold and waited for our next train. She mentioned that she had started checking out my stuff. “But you don’t put things out regularly.”
I almost started with one of my excuses that I tell myself to keep from even trying, “I know. I have great ideas but…” I stalled out. But what? I suck. I am afraid of sucking? I lack any follow through whatsoever? No discipline? But I also have a really high score in Toy Blast to defend? What?
She took a drag of her cigarette, staring out into a field and on the exhale completed my sentence, “You spend too much time in your head.” This woman is smart, very direct, and insightful as hell. This is not the first time she has called me out on my bullshit, on purpose or not and I hope it isn’t the last. I value her opinion a lot and it could not have come at a better time. That sentence has stuck with me for days and let me tell you, she was 110% correct.
There is a new movement going on where people are backing away from resolutions and looking instead for a word to drive them through the new year. I actually really like this. I have never been great at resolutions. I don’t have the focus or the drive or the ability to want the same thing for more than 5 minutes. So I never even try. See? Already improving myself by admitting that. But a word, that I can get behind. It is simple, easy to follow. Less likely to be just a list found years later in one of the 400 notebooks I keep.
My word is purpose. Not just to have purpose, although yes that is an added bonus but to do things with purpose. To accomplish more. To be more enriched. To be more aware of how I spend my energy. To have less regret at the end of the day and more discipline to not just repeat it all over again the next day. I have a lot I would like to be, it is about time to get to it.
I am hoping that it leads to maybe not a better me but atleast a more completed version of me. My goal is when January rolls around next year, I am able to say, “What an amazing year! I am so content with all that I have accomplished. And that list of failures (trust me, there are always failures)? I am really proud of them because atleast I tried.”