I haven’t been writing. Or even thinking about writing. My social media is dusty and so is my camera bag. I have been absent. My bad. Sorry. It has been so bad that when my renewal came up this summer, I almost didn’t do it. I wasn’t sure if the money spent was worth it anymore. I am still not entirely sold but Past Copper must have known that Future Copper would drag her feet and set it up for automatic renewal.
I have seen a lot of posts on Facebook lately about the stress of seeing everyone else’s perfect life on social media. Spoiler alert: their lives aren’t perfect, that shit is as filtered as their car selfie on Instagram. I guarantee they cry in the shower as much us normies do. Their kids act like jerks at restaurants. Their beach vacations are more bickering than basking. Their husbands also spend 45 minutes on the toilet playing World of Warcraft while they clean up from dinner and put the kids to bed at the same time. So please stop comparing yourself to them, okay?
It was never my intention to be one of those #blessed blogs. I started this because our life is messy, loud and I needed proof for future reference. Or court dates, whatever. However, despite my intentions, I think my mindset drifted that way on accident. To the extreme. I have found myself struggling to find happy things to write about or silly pictures to post. I have caught myself several times thinking, “I should post that.” but then the other voice pipes in with, “Nah, it isn’t funny. Why bother, no one will laugh.”. Then instead of finding something funny or pretty or delicious to post, I stay in my pajamas for days and re-watch Brooklyn Nine-Nine for the 80th time.
So you are just not hearing from me. My rose colored glasses are scratched to hell and it is really messing with my vision lately. Well for quite a long time now. So, I am not being open and honest with you or myself and I regret that. I am doing us all a disservice by staying quiet unless I have something nice to say. I apologize. So here are some not so shiny truths.
My Current Truths
Have I been happy? No, not really but through no fault of anyone or anything. Are the kids suddenly angels who speak only when spoken to and never step out of line in public? Hell no. They are a hot mess. Is my focus on something bigger? Please refer to above statement about pjs and binging Netflix. Am I just busy being an amazing mom, wife and friend? The phrase mediocre on a good day comes to mind. Is being an expat just so delightful and easy that I have nothing to write about? Being an expat is isolating, challenging and the hardest thing I have done since convincing Red that wearing pants will not kill him. I am not so sure on some days if I would even recommend it to my worst enemy.
Am I clearly on the wrong side of my depression/anxiety and unable to focus? Yes. Is the robbery still weighing very heavy on me? Absolutely yes. Someone stole almost everything we owned. That fact sits in my chest 24/7. Do I want to go home? Yes. Or stay away? Also yes. Do I suck at multi tasking? I burned bacon while writing this and I am right next to the oven. Am I tired? Constantly. Do I want to put some pjs on right now and see what Jake Peralta is up to? Kinda, yeah.
The purpose of this whole thing was never just to make you laugh, that was just a bonus. It was suppose to be honest insight. I fully accept responsibility for drifting from that and remaining silent when it wasn’t sunshine and rainbows. I will promise to do better by you if you promise to see past the #blessed filters out there and stop comparing your happiness to their #lies. Pinky promise?