Month: March 2016

Ticket For One Please.

Published / by copperyuenger / Leave a Comment

I woke up today in a bad place. It has been a long week. The Dude’s flare up caused us to stay inside more than I would have preferred. We are sleep deprived. The kids were rough, who could blame them. They are bored, they don’t feel good, they miss daddy, and spring break has been meh at best. I wish we had left town like I had originally thought of doing. Did I mention that we are electronics free due to an incident two weeks ago where they thought it would be a good idea to tag my fence with a permanent marker? To make things worse, I have had a bad case of woe is me. Two weeks into Moose being gone is where I usually have a few days of being incredibly lonely, it is a tall hill that I eventually get over and slide back down the other side where I am fine. On top of that, life is very up in the air right now which often leaves me very anxious.

I ate an amount of doughnuts this morning that makes me a little ashamed. I let the kids watch several movies when we really should have been doing something productive. Then I had to do something. So I cleaned a little house and took a shower, the first one in several days. In the shower, right after Red brought me the jar of peanut butter to open, I decided to take a break. I need a break. I have every right to one and the only thing holding me back is the lack of desire to put a bra one. Heck, I even have relatively easy child care at my finger tips. No excuse.

So I dropped the kids off and went on my way. I could have easily used this time to hit the grocery, the food pickings at home are worse than slim. Or to Target, Easter is in a week and I have nada for it. But I didn’t. I went to the movies. I walked up to the booth and bought one ticket to a movie that isn’t animated. I went to the counter and ordered a giant extra buttery popcorn and a large soda that I had no intention of sharing. I sat where I wanted to, the very top row, and no one argued about who was going to sit where. I tried to not let it really irritate me when some chick sat one seat over when she had an entire theater to choose from. WTF lady. I silenced my phone and sat back. I didn’t have to shush anyone or take multiple trips to the bathroom or nudge Moose awake when he started to snore. It was nice. And I felt better when it was all done.

I love the movies. Before kids, Moose and I would go all the time. But now we either don’t want to spend the money or when we do get out sans kiddos, we don’t want to spend two hours being quiet. But still, I do love the experience. So every once in a while, I go by myself. I know some people find the thought of solo theater going to be lonely or sad. But I find it to be very therapeutic. It is dark. I can escape into a movie for 2 hours and leave the million voices in my head behind. I don’t have to share an arm rest or my snack with anyone.

I relish being alone. It is rare though with being the primary caregiver to the monkeys, a wife, an employee, a friend. I can’t even tell you if I have ever been alone in this house. I believe I lean towards being an extroverted introvert (is that a real thing?) most of the time but it is often exhausting. Sometimes I need to shut down and today was just what I needed. And I need to do it more often. I believe it will be easier and easier to make this time for myself once Red starts preschool in the fall but for now, I need to make more effort to decompress. I have to be a priority. I spoke with Moose on the way home and I think even he was genuinely happy and relieved to hear that I had done it.

As a final note, I saw Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. I went into it a little timid, the reviews have not been good. But I found it to be a great film and I would recommend it. I adore Tina Fey to pieces and she did not disappoint. The casting throughout was well done and the storyline kept my attention easily. Go see it. By yourself. Get extra butter on your popcorn while you are at it. And for the love of all that is good in the world, if you walk into the theater and a woman is sitting by herself, don’t freaking sit by her. She doesn’t need company.


A Promise To My 40 Year Old Self – Part 2

Published / by copperyuenger / Leave a Comment

As noted in my last post, A Promise To My 40 Year Old Self Part 1, 40 is creeping up on me fast. Still not anxious about it. Still just happy to be invited to the party. Still just a bit concerned about how I got to 39 so fast and what I am going to do to enter 40 like a diva.

So here I am. I have been reflecting a lot. Mostly on how I have lost myself and have been drifting along in survival mode for too long. I am guilty of pushing myself to the side and saying, “Maybe tomorrow Copper” too many times. Years have gone by where my goals never change and my to do list never gets checked off. I am making a stand and taking me back. It may not all happen before December 29th and that is okay. Some of it will be a continuous effort on my part. Some of it is deep stuff. Really personal stuff that I struggle with. Some of that I won’t be making public. And some of it is superficial and I make no excuses for that. That superficial stuff that I have allowed to pile up weighs a ton on my shoulders and I am ready to be done with that. Some of it will change. As I go along, things may be replaced by others. Perspective is ever-changing, as is our circumstances, and my priorities shift day-to-day.

The Original 40’s Bucket List

  1. One of my biggest goals for this year is this blog. I really want for this to become something. What that is, I don’t know but I really want it. It is an outlet for me. And I want it to grow. It is a lot to take in and will be a long process though. I have to learn to be more open. I have to learn how to navigate the blog world. I have to learn to be more diligent with my writing. I have taken some big leaps in the last few months and will continue to do so in order to feed this part of myself and maybe even make it into something that benefits my family.
  2. My physical health. I do not focus too much on this number but I am currently at the heaviest weight I have ever been and it is starting to affect me in multiple ways. I lost track of my healthier lifestyle, moved to a different state, and went off a tough medication all within a 2 month period and it has really hurt me. I do not like the way I feel and I do not like the way I look. I don’t have a number in mind but I would love to see myself healthier. I will not be starving myself, cheese and beer are my best friends, but I am open to healthier life choices. I am looking forward to finding my groove again with physical activity. I know what I love, it will just be a matter of making time for me.
  3. My mental health. Full disclosure. I suffer from a wee bit of depression and a shit ton of soul sucking anxiety. The medication I was on for it was effective but a little too much for my liking. I don’t want the anxiety but at the same time, I want to care about things. I didn’t have that on my meds so I went off them. Cold turkey. Not my best decision but not my worst. It has been a rollercoaster and I need to get it in check. I don’t know what the answer to this is but trust me, I will find it.
  4. Parenting. I want to be better. This is tricky. It is about someone else, three little people, but being their mother is my job and I want to be able to say that I did the best I could. I do all right now. My kids are pretty cool. Not giant a-holes. They wear clothing like 75% of the time. They eat veggies and fruits. 1 1/2 of them can wipe their own butt (okay we are working on improving that number). They know they are loved. But we are headed into some interesting times. School. Friends that aren’t siblings. THE PRE-TWEEN YEARS. It is about to get hard and I want to be ready for it.
  5. Being a wife. Again, it involves someone else but it falls within my realm of self-care. Did you know that Moose and I have been married almost 20 years? Marriage isn’t always a fun ride but we have stuck it out and I feel like we are in a good place. But there is always room for improvement and I want that. Two of our biggest downfalls is a)communication (duh) and b) we do not make time for ourselves, like ever. I feel like we are finally falling into a place where life is less of a struggle to survive and we can start to focus on these.
  6. Saying no. This has been my biggest improvement so far. Learning to say no. I am guilty of overwhelming myself to please others and I am not doing it anymore. The past year, I have really made an effort to not say yes to every little thing. Not to Moose and the kids. Not to work. Not to volunteering. Not to friends and family. It has made a big difference on my stress level and I have really noticed that I can give more to everything that I do say yes to because I am not so overbooked. If I have said yes to you, know that I really want to. But also know that if I say no, it isn’t personal. It is just a case of I can’t right now.
  7. Coming up with a serious life plan. This just doesn’t any explanation. I need some direction. Period.
  8. This one is very superficial but so important. I need more me. I am so guilty of putting everything ahead of myself and I am ragged, inside and out. I want to do things I want to do. I want to write. I want to paint. I want to buy books. I want to decorate my house. I want to take vacations. I want to grow. I want all of this and  I WANT NEW UNDERWEAR. Seriously this one right here. Before I turn 40, I want a grip on this. Everything I own is old, stained, ripped, doesn’t fit right, not from the last decade. Nobody has done this to me. I do it to myself. I do not treat myself and it shows. I will own new clothes. I will get more pedicures. I will pluck my eyebrows more and moisturize religiously. I will stop treating myself like someone who doesn’t deserve to feel good about herself. In the words of Donna Meagle, it is time to… anigif_enhanced-23522-1413260756-5

Okay, there ya go. We will see where this goes and I will touch on this subject often. Please feel free to let me know what you think. I would love to know if you think about what you want to change or if you have any “Before I turn ____, I want to ___” revelations.

Now I have to go deal with the repercussions of locking myself in the office for an hour during Spring Break. It sounds like Lord of the Flies out there and I don’t want to but before Red gets hog tied and roasted above a campfire in the living room, I am going to make some sammies and pirate booty.